The Expendables 3 review

The Expendables 3 (12A/PG-13, 126 mins)
Director: Patrick Hughes
★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

To borrow a quote from one of this week’s other releases, Hector and the Search for Happiness, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.

And yet it’s pretty much all this creaky franchise has going for it. This third entry in the action star retirement home series is not well written, it’s 30 minutes too long and the action isn’t even particularly good. And yet, for reasons that are mostly to do with the unnameable magnetism of sheer star wattage, it remains oddly watchable throughout.

It begins with a massive attack on a prison train by a handful of ageing mercenaries, the Expendables (Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham et al), to bust out old comrade Wesley Snipes. It’s cheesy and daft to the extent that it must be a parody, brimful of macho posturing, which to some degree has been diluted this time around by the lighter tone, even if the attempts at banter are generally pretty feeble.

It lumbers to another set piece where an old foe turns up in the shape of Mel Gibson, a former Expendable turned arms dealer. Gibson adds real value here, with an admirably composed nutjob performance that demonstrates how much he’s been missed from our screens in recent years.

And still the superstars get rolled out, with Harrison Ford securing a nice payday as a replacement for Bruce Willis, cameoing as a CIA boss who gives Stallone the mission to go after Gibson. Whatever passes for a theme in the movie arrives with an acknowledgment that the Expendables might be getting a little long in the tooth for such silliness; the problem is they (and the film) don’t really believe it.

But still we get a dead midsection where nothing happens while Stallone disbands the crew and teams up with Kelsey Grammer to recruit new younger members. This takes an age, but at least comes with the addition of Antonio Banderas, who adds a touch of pep to the otherwise taciturn team.

For a movie with a teen-friendly rating, the action is sturdy enough and the body count is astronomical (the climax see the Expendables take on literally an entire army) but a bit more blood might have helped. The problem with the action is a physical and logistical one, with little sense of space given and too often overloaded with CGI or cut together much too maniacally.

But it all boils down to watching these stars do their thing, and the pleasure in that is undeniable. Considering the cast is so massive it’s still very much the Stallone show, since he came up with the story and co-wrote the screenplay. Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li barely get a look in, but every once in a while, just seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger and Harrison Ford sharing the screen can be enough to raise a smile.

There are many winks and nods to past glories, and while you can only coast on nostalgia so long, hearing Arnie trot out some of his classic lines will be good enough for many.

Haywire review

Haywire (15/R, 92 mins)
Director: Steven Soderbergh
★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

In a diner in New York state, two people, a man and a woman, chat in a booth. Suddenly it explodes into violence, as the pair grapple for life and death before the woman escapes the restaurant and gets away in a jacked car.

A series of flashbacks fill us in on the covert missions in Barcelona and Dublin that led to the current situation. The woman is Mallory Kane (Gina Carano), a black ops agent, and the man is Aaron (Channing Tatum), who was part of her Barcelona team.

When the spooks higher up the food chain (Ewan McGregor, Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas) get together in a room to discuss them, they're speaking absolute jibber-jabber as far as the audience is concerned. The details of the plot are labyrinthine and barely register, but it matters not a jot because this is director Steven Soderbergh cutting loose and having oodles of kick-ass fun.

Just know it involves the usual betrayal and double cross antics, which leaves Mallory on the run and on a mission to bring down those who set her up.

There are two things that raise Haywire a level above your usual action guff. The first is Carano, a former mixed martial arts fighter. Okay, she’s far from the greatest actress in the world, but her physical performance is hugely impressive. Despite the other big names, she’s unquestionably the star, and watching her lay savage beatings on Tatum, McGregor, Michael Fassbender and countless nameless goons is supremely satisfying.

Secondly, the direction from Soderbergh is just so sharp, so smart, so unlike anything you’re likely to see in a standard action film, that every scene becomes a joy. He brings the cool swagger of Ocean’s Eleven, coupled with his indie aesthetic to bone crunching fights that are brutal and unglamorous yet executed with endlessly dynamic choreography.

As icing on the cake, Douglas is hilarious, Banderas unusually slobby, McGregor a twit, and they're all enjoying themselves immensely, which the viewing audience can’t help but pick up on.

It’s not a million miles away from something Tarantino might rattle out - a marquee cast all taking on smaller roles, probably just for the chance to work with the director, fitting effortlessly into action that’s done in sufficiently different ways that you look on the whole genre afresh.

Shrek Forever After review

Shrek Forever After (U, 93 mins)
Director: Mike Mitchell

★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

The first film ever to win the Oscar for best animated feature returns for its fourth and supposedly final cinema outing, and it’s probably fair to say that it’s time to let the sun set gracefully on the adventures of the big green ogre with the soft Scottish brogue.

What began as fresh and subversive almost a decade ago had become stale and money-driven by the time of the atrocious Shrek the Third three years ago. All signs were pointing to a series that was experiencing its death rattle, one that long ago abandoned storytelling ambition for fleeting pop culture recognition and the easiest of kid-pleasing devices. Compared to what Pixar was doing, it had become little more than an embarrassment.

Shrek Forever After reverses the slide to a certain extent even if early signs are not good that this fourth entry will be anything other than ogre poo jokes. But it takes an unexpected early turn with a flashback in which the king and queen of Far Far Away (John Cleese and Julie Andrews) are about to hand their kingdom over to the treacherous Rumpelstiltskin in exchange for the curse on their daughter, Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz), being lifted.

But just as they're about to sign the contract, they learn that Fiona has been saved by Shrek (Mike Myers), as happened in the original movie, leaving Rumpel with a grudge against Shrek. Back in the present, Shrek and Fiona are living happily ever after with their babies. But Shrek is discontented with domestic bliss and longs for the days when he a terrifying ogre instead of a tourist attraction.

So when he’s tricked by Rumpelstiltskin into signing a contract that allows him to be a proper ogre for a day, he has to give Rumpel a day of his life in return and the ‘curly-toed weirdo’ takes the day he was born. If Shrek never existed, Princess Fiona was never saved and so Rumpelstiltskin inherited the kingdom, and Shrek has only until sunrise the next day to find Fiona and have her fall in love with him or he’ll cease to exist.

Though it borrows liberally from It’s a Wonderful Life and Back to the Future, at least with a recognisable plot there’s something to hold on to here. By not relying too heavily on references and in-jokes, Shrek Forever After is free to tell a proper story, even if the real laughs dried up long ago.

But there are some nice visual jokes and throwaway lines and the fine animation is good for making the most of facial expressions and well timed gags, while the always strong voice cast that also sees the return of Eddie Murphy as Donkey and Antonio Banderas as a well-fed Puss In Boots.

It all makes for an agreeable effort that falls somewhere between cynical cash-in and genuine attempt to send the franchise out on a dignified note. Don’t expect any Oscars this time round, but at least Shrek leaves the stage with his head held high.